Despite my childhood dreams, I have reached an inevitable conclusion: I could never be President of the United States. 

Full disclosure: I have exactly zero credibility as a psychic.

In the 1930s, President Herbert Hoover’s second-in-command was Vice President Charles Curtis, who had once been a powerful Senator. A magazine article about Vice President Curtis is credited with coining a phrase that has endured for almost a hundred years: “It’s lonely at the top.” 

I know some of you expect hard-hitting political commentary when reading a newspaper column. Well, not today. There are no elections any time soon, and we could all use a break.

We’re advanced enough to send rockets to the moon (again), so why can’t we answer these questions:

If it’s neither here nor there, then where is it exactly? 

I’m quite proud of my rural upbringing in a country store in Bryant, Alabama. We had only one school, one restaurant, and no traffic lights. We used to grow cotton, then flowers, and of course potatoes. I mean taters.

Last month, I reminisced about some of my favorite voices from a lifetime of TV, radio, movies and music. I asked you to share your most unforgettable voices from past and present, and I received enough to fill several columns. Here’s the beauty of it. Even though you’re reading the printed word, the mere mention of their names will trigger the sound of their voices.

November is the month for Thanksgiving, literally and figuratively, so it’s time for my annual column giving thanks for those who have made my life easier.

This column is written several days in advance of publication, so the midterm elections have not yet been held as I write this. Some of you may be reading this before election day, and others are reading it after the votes have been counted.

Last week I wrote about the nonstop, eardrum-assaulting chatter during baseball games from certain TV sports announcers. Although my complaint was limited to the fact that they don’t allow viewers to enjoy the game’s natural, easygoing rhythm, some of you pointed out another trend. Many of today’s announcers have the same bland style, unlike the voices of games past. I couldn’t agree more. 

I know you will be disappointed, so let me go ahead and apologize. I will not be writing about politics this week. No mention of midterms, drop boxes, or even Herschel’s badge. I’m pretty sure you can find all that and more elsewhere on these pages.

“He’s just going through a phase right now.” If you’re a parent, you know what that means. Whether it’s the Terrible Twos, awkward adolescence, or the risk-taking teen years, we hope and pray they’ll grow out of it. Most of them do.

Last year in this space, I lamented the suddenly smaller graham crackers, ice cream cartons, apple juice jugs, and pretty much anything else you buy.

I don’t get invited to the White House very often.

I see so much negativity. Think about this: two years ago, we couldn't go anywhere, we didn't have a vaccine, and our friends were sick or dying

Have you noticed that when some political candidates and elected officials speak, their words often ring hollow? It’s almost as if they aren’t being honest (imagine that). 

I saw a billboard recently for a psychic who would reveal your future. I just laughed.

Here’s my latest roundup of spelling fails. They’re easy to find. You see them on signs at stores (or on the highway), and especially, social media. Each time I write about this, within a few weeks, you kind folks send me a whole new batch. I guess I should be thankful I have enough for a column. Like the man said on Facebook, “I don’t take it for granite.”

 I recently picked up a Rolling Stone magazine. It was never known to be a source of country music information, but for some reason they decided to name “The 25 Greatest Country Songs of All Time.”

“The wind blew some luck in my direction….I caught it in my hands today…”

I get a lot of advice on writing columns. Some people tell me to write funnier. Others say, “Be more serious. Solve the world’s problems.” 

I have been covering schools for 30 years, and I have visited more schools than the milk delivery guys. As Johnny Cash sang, I’ve been everywhere, man. From the modest rural schools to the swanky private prep schools, and everywhere in between. 

I used to tell my wife that I was the most patient man in America. This was usually followed by a swift verbal reprimand, so I stopped saying that.

Twice each year, I do a “From the Mailbag” column, serving up your comments, questions, and corrections. You might think this is an easy way to fill space during a week in which I am actually on vacation. You would be right about that.

A bug bit me when I was twelve years old, and never let go. I turned on the radio one day, and I liked what I heard. Neil Diamond was singing “Sweet Caroline.”

Every few years, I clean out my pockets, and share the notes I’ve made while watching a few hundred sporting events on TV. I listen carefully to the sportscasters, and most of them are from a handful of families: the Bucks, the Carays, and the Alberts. I hear a lot of clichés.